Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

Fun Fact:

The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

Pretty much. 🤣

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.