Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
If you’re buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it’s probably because he bought is his condoms there too.
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Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she out in the field with a shovel & idk man she’s diggin for somethin. Oh burying a body? Ok then
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four
If you’re able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!