Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
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What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.