@thatUPSdude

If you’re buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it’s probably because he bought is his condoms there too.

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@StellaRtwot

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

@CindyBegel

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

@spackary

Now I ain’t saying she a gold digger, but she out in the field with a shovel & idk man she’s diggin for somethin. Oh burying a body? Ok then

@DadZZZasleep

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

@DJwhoknew888

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

@ewfeez

GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four

@Phook75

If you’re able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!