@thatUPSdude

If you’re buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it’s probably because he bought is his condoms there too.

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@TheBoydP

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

@nonsensetwit

My fear of spiders happened when I went to hit one with a newspaper, and it looked at me and did pushups saying “try again bro.”

@beefman138

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.

@NotKarma

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

@rolldiggity

The best way to be passive aggressive to a trophy store is to order a “Worst Trophy Shop” trophy and then never pick it up.

@DanLaMorte

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

@suntzufuntzu

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

@donni

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!