Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

mugger: I said, your money or your life

me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him

our kids: awww

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

[feeding baby Malaysian food]

“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises*

*spoon just disappears*

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

👍

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’

Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.

Wife: sum.

Me: human parts; four letters.

Wife: body.

Me: upon a time; four letters.

Wife: once.

Me: to pay; four letters.

Wife: toll.

Me: 90’s slang; three letters.

Wife: duh.

Me: refer to myself; two letters.

Wife: me.

The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.

😂

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*

You’re free now

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.