If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
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You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*