If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
You Might Also Like
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Basically, any European coat of arms:
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.