If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
You Might Also Like
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.