If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
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Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Happy Star Wars day!
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated