If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
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ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
*cough*
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes