If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
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If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
ah yes….my favourite videogame
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.