If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
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A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body