Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land

*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.

Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.