If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
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Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
*pronounces fake like saké*
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.