If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
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I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
sleeping beauty
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.