If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
You Might Also Like
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
What personal space?
My dog
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.