If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
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making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash