If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
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[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours