Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*talking to a baby*

Me: Can you say ‘dog’

Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

The old gods are rising again.

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.