Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!

Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son

My son: say your line mummy!

Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

Always a metermaid never a meter

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.