Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.

If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?

Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?

Astrologer: no

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

😂😂

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

Genie: You have 3 wishes—

Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!

*45 minutes later*

Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?

Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell