If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
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If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Tony Hawk, age 6
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?