If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
You Might Also Like
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.