If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
getting groceries
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager