Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity