If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
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Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.