This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?