If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
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16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Cannot stop laughing at this
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
new shirt idea
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors