@GinAndJif

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

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@icecube

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

@starringmichell

What I said: No

What I meant: No

What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.

@Holy_Mowgli

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

@TheBoydP

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

@VikeeysSecret

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

@vladchoc

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

@maisondecris

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

@meghaffer

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?