If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
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Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
