If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel