Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?

Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.

Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?

Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

I never needed anything more in my life

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.