Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”