If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.