If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Me, reading some of your tweets
