If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
an octopus is just a wet spider
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore