Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

oh she’s cooked

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.