If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
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Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.