If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
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GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.