@BriarSlyMadness

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

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@girlontapas

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

@pilau

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

@Dustinkcouch

her: i just got a call from my doctor

me: what did he say

her: that we got a baby coming

me: but we haven’t had sex

her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.

@dumbbeezie

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

@MatCro

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

@kwirkyKerri

I love scary movies!, I say as I turn on all the lights to go to bed.

@dafloydsta

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

@causticbob

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too