If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

You Might Also Like


I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.


Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running


her: i just got a call from my doctor

me: what did he say

her: that we got a baby coming

me: but we haven’t had sex

her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.


I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now





C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having


I love scary movies!, I say as I turn on all the lights to go to bed.


[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK


Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too