I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
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Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
her: i just got a call from my doctor
me: what did he say
her: that we got a baby coming
me: but we haven’t had sex
her: *loading shotgun* -and to lock the doors.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I love scary movies!, I say as I turn on all the lights to go to bed.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
*Sees dead cat on the road.
Walk it off buddy, you got 8 more.