If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
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Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guyâwho’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Iâm too Shreksy for my shirt
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out âshoesâ
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
popsicle not seeing heaven đ
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are âlook, a pretty lady!â âboats are coolâ and âI will die aloneâ
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
my boss, the chef: you canât beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
SCARY COSTUME
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”