Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.

They’re really bad with fonts.

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference

boss: you’re six hours late

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”