If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
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Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet