Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

[first time skydiving]

Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*

Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

bros in the example zone 😭

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.