If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

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Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent


therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”


I’ll apologize for burning your house down if you apologize for telling me I “overreact.”


This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.


My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”


Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30


I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.


“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.


You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.