If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
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I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar