Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.

Me: Clive? What’s he done?

Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-

Me: What is going on?

Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget