If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
me and my fake scenarios
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Bike is short for Bichael.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Cinema or bowling
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?