If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!