Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

GUYS.

For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.

TWO SEPERATE MEN.

TWO YEARS GUYS.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

Just a reminder, folks:

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

Google assistant rules

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

Cop: I can only hold you for another hour

Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!

Cop: You know I gotta work, babe