If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
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The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.