If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
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Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Vodka burrito was a success
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Got ya covered
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.