Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

This kid is a star!

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

this is me

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

The only good comments section online is on recipes

*presses lips against mic*

I wished I sanitized this first

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous