If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
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I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Worth the read.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…