If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
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I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Science memes
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
craving $300 all of a sudden
Blew my mind.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.