If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
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DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.