If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.