Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.

[4:07 am]

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

villagers: BURN THE WITCH

me: you’re the reason your dad left

witch: omg

villagers [lowering torches] damn dude

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.