If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
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30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.