If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
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[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Cardio Made Easy
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.