Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

I don’t hate children, just yours.

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-

*wakes up*

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”

{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

My dating profile:

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho