If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”
My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER