If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
