Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
You Might Also Like
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.