[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
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[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*