@4SLars

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

You Might Also Like

@SufficientCharm

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

@TuSoonShakur

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

@PastorBate

[crowded elevator]

Alright I’m a little concerned about the capacity so let’s all go around and say how much we weigh *gets out calculator*

@ItsMeHelenMary

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

@orangecrushable

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

@CulturedRuffian

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

@radmarco

*romantically climbs into your balcony to ask for your wifi password*

@ValeeGrrl

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.