@4SLars

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

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@HlessHman

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

@PetrickSara

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

@timk927

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

@StephenAtHome

If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.

@clichedout

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

@cali_cathy

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

@deardilettante

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

@SondraDeeMe

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

@robfee

Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*