If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
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Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Body by Oreos
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’