If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
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If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.