If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.