If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
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my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?