If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
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“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.