If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
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The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER