If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
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Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.