Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?

Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe

giraffe: this is bullshit Steve

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”