Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

This is a true ally.

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.