Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!

FINE, I WON’T.

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

my dog when i have a friend over

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is