If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
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god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
bat life
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags