If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.![]()
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If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
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Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.