If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
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Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.