If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Tuesday
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.