Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.

The Hurricane came through here like a tornado

-Lady on the News just now

I don’t want to live on this planet anymore

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan

It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize

rapatouille

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

couldn’t resist

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.