If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
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[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
U talkin 2 me?
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.