If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
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“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.