if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
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Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
my proudest tweet
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.