Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

Her, 6: I have a secret

Me: What is it?

Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker

Me: Oh no

Her: yeeeah

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.