Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

ㅤ

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

A Monday every week is excessive

could’ve been anyone

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight