Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

Hard not to take this personally

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼