If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
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ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
This hospital has everything
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that