Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree